The episode features Jay Shetty and his wife Radhi Devlukia-Shetty discussing the modern dating phenomenon of "icks" - sudden turn-offs that can instantly kill attraction in relationships.

The conversation originated from a car journey back from a Drake concert with Radhi's cousins, where they discussed various relationship icks ranging from the humorous to the serious.

Jay and Radhi explore how icks have become a cultural phenomenon on social media, particularly through accounts like "guy with the list" that compile extensive lists of behaviors people find unattractive.

The discussion examines whether icks should be taken seriously or viewed as humorous observations, and how they differ from fundamental relationship issues like poor communication or lack of accountability.

What Counts as an Ick: From Silly to Serious

The term "ick" refers to a sudden turn-off or something that instantly kills attraction, though these aren't always rational and can vary culturally and individually

Examples from social media include: running after a receipt blown away in the wind, holding a limp umbrella in strong wind, running with a backpack that bounces side to side, and taking twelve seconds to get out of a bean bag chair

Radhi's cousin said she finds it icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car because "it doesn't feel masculine," while another friend finds it icky when her husband cries

Fashion-related icks mentioned include: skinny jeans, no-show socks ("little panty liner socks"), flip flops with socks, and wearing shorts with a blazer

"I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating, when you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister" - Radhi, describing an early ick with Jay that she eventually got over

The Psychology Behind Icks and Attraction

"When you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone, your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them" - explaining how attraction overrides normal preferences

Radhi shared that despite hating smoking, she found herself attracted to the smell when dating someone who smoked in college, demonstrating how attraction can shift deeply held preferences

In toxic relationships with ups and downs, the hormones and chemicals in your mind can make you overlook even grotesque behaviors, including bad breath or other typically unattractive traits

"That's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want, because you're going to be influenced and impacted even if you don't want to" - Jay

Gender Differences in How Icks Affect Dating

Jared Freed from the U Up podcast suggests that "an ick would never stop a man from dating someone if they like someone," but for women icks are actually much more serious

Top five icks women commonly have about men include: lack of hygiene or grooming (dirty nails, bad breath, unkept hair), over-confidence or cockiness, immaturity or childish behavior (playing too many video games), poor communication (vague replies, ghosting), and being emotionally unavailable

Top five icks men commonly have about women include: overly superficial behavior (obsessing over social media and selfies), playing mind games, entitlement or materialism, being overly dramatic or constantly negative, and lack of accountability

"Sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change, and men get into relationships hoping the women will never change. What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does" - Jay

Confidence vs. Arrogance: A Critical Distinction

"Arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone what you're worth, when you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else" - Radhi

"Confidence is so much quieter. You just show up with energy that is you supporting your own self. You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better" - Radhi

Arrogance involves superiority and putting others down, while confidence is about carrying yourself with self-respect without needing to diminish others

"Usually cockiness comes from insecurity" and is immediately obvious in how people act towards others and what they say in conversation

Icks vs. Fundamentals: What Really Matters

"There's a difference between icks now and what makes someone feel secure in the relationship. An ick to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but you know there is a bit of humor to it. Whereas poor communication seems like more of a serious issue" - Radhi

"Usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental. If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think they're so unattractive, but if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy" - Jay

People make excuses for fundamental relationship problems (poor communication, lack of reliability) while over-amplifying minor icks, which is a problematic pattern in modern dating

"When you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you" - Radhi

If something deeply affects you about a partner, ask two critical questions: "Why does this trigger me so much?" and "Am I okay if this never changes?"

How to Handle Icks in Relationships

"I think icks should be taken with a pinch of salt. I don't think you should take them too seriously. But if there are too many, they're not going to find that person attractive" - Radhi

To address an ick with a partner: "I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion. I would love to go shoe shopping with you and help you find shoes that really work" - Radhi's suggested approach

In Nobody Wants This, there's a scene where Kristen Bell's character gets a massive ick when Adam Brody's character wears shorts with a blazer, causing her to spiral and consider breaking up over this single fashion choice

"You should give... a mixture of both. The more you like someone, the less you'll find the ick. However, there are just some things that the other person's going to have to just stop doing if their partner finds it icky more than three times" - Radhi

"Today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of. It's an easy reason, a scapegoat, something you use to justify why you don't want to be with someone when you just aren't attracted to them" - Jay

Modern Dating Culture and Social Media Icks

The "guy with the list" is a popular social media account that compiles extensive lists of behaviors people find icky, including: leaving events early to beat traffic, men having iPads, screaming at dogs in the dog park, and sending good morning texts

One dating coach advises against morning texts: "Good morning, sweetheart, how are you doing. That text is not masculine. It shows needy. Texting is only to set up the dates" - highlighting extreme views in modern dating advice

Social media icks include: using too many hashtags, using too many emojis, being too obsessed with astrology (blaming everything on being a Gemini), and taking mirror selfies at the gym without actually working out

Radhi observed a woman at the gym who "comes in beautiful outfits, looks amazing, takes pictures and leaves" without doing any actual workout, which she considers an ick